When retards attack! Paulo Kull is the big badass of the internet and the world trembles in fear…
Back in 1999 I drew a self-portrait of myself with a bullet in my head. It was during a morbid phase I went through after watching someone I knew get shot and spending time as a homeless teen. My art was often deliberately graphic and I got a small sense of satisfaction with the impact it had on others, an admittedly cheap trick.
Here is the drawing I refer to:
On a website called Hi5.com, a social networking site I signed up for and then rarely used I posted the drawing along with some of the other art from my teenage years and thought little else of it.
Little did I know that an intellectually challenged individual would get his panties so very much in a twist that he’d go out of his way to start messaging me insults.
On December 10th, the retard in question, a certain “Paulo Kull” (see his Hi5 profile here) from Brazil, whom I may or may not have known years ago saw this picture and decided to message me for some reason (not being of the gay persuasion I’m not sure if it was just a clumsy effort at flirting but I suspect it was just legitimate retardation). He ignored the date on the drawing (’99) and the description I posted (”A tad morbid for my current taste…”) and proceeded to try his level best to deliver a punishing insult.
He starts with:
“Hey man! you do need to see a psychiatry. I can tell you are not happy. Why do you go ahead and stick a bullet on your head?”
I don’t visit the site often, but wanted to see something my brother had posted and logged in days later and read his message. Now after the laughter at his retardation, both with English and life in general, settled down I decided to have fun with this unintentionally hilarious attempt at online intimidation. I’d given up on flame wars on the internet years ago but for retardation of such Biblical proportions I had to make an exception. I decided to be nice enough to give him a chance to insult me in Portuguese, which I though would be a more level playing field (hey, a battle of wits with an unarmed man is no fun).
So I sent him this message:
“You make no sense. I speak pretty much any of the other languages you may know so you might want to try one with which you have greater fluency.”
He must have been sitting patiently by his computer waiting because he replied immediately:
“Dumb ass Japa seja la o que voce for! Voce acha que eu iria perder meu tempo com um looser com voce. Eu queria e poder te cobrir de porrada ate quebrar seus dentes depois fazer voce engolir um por um. Eu odeio gente como voce! Gostou? To falando minha lingua, mas eu gostaria mesmo e de falar porrada com voce.
that wasn’t a smart answer.”
Now here’s a rough translation for those who don’t speak Portuguese. It’s as good as I can do since his Portuguese is as ass-backwards as his English: “Dumb ass Jap, or whatever you are! You think I would lose my time with a looser like you?” (Editor’s note: Actually, it’s quite obvious that he does in fact do so). “I would like and can cover you in punches until break your teeth after make you swallow them one by one. I hate people like you! Like that? I am speaking my language, but I’d really like to speak punches with you. That wasn’t a smart answer.”
At this point it’s unclear if he’s referring to his answer or mine, since even with punctuation cleanup of “[his] language” he comes across as retarded in his native tongue as he does in English.
Now I’m not sure if it’s my own arrogance here, or just perverse pleasure at making fun of someone who tries to insult total strangers and falls decidedly short but I decide to toy with him a bit more:
“>> Voce acha que eu iria perder meu tempo
>> com um looser com voce.Apparently, yes. At first I thought you were gay but now I see you are just retarded.
>> Eu queria e poder te cobrir de porrada
>> ate quebrar seus dentes depois fazer
>> voce engolir um por um.Aww, how cute. You sound like a petulant 4-year old.
>> Eu odeio gente como voce!
Smart people? Or people who are just not retarded?
>> Gostou?
Very much, you are an entertaining idiot.
>> To falando minha lingua, mas eu gostaria
>> mesmo e de falar porrada com voce.
>> that wasn’t a smart answer.Of course your answers aren’t smart. You sound like a complete retard. Let me explain: your threats are as baseless as they are funny.
You have no ability whatsoever to make good on your empty threats. What you DO have, is the ability to continue to entertain me with your mental handicap.
Given the Christmas season I feel generous and will grant you some pearls of wisdom:
Picking “internet fights” is stupid. Getting all worked up about them is even more stupid.
Incidentally, we used to live together in Brazil but I don’t remember where. Do you?”
He didn’t take the advice I gave him, of not getting so damned worked up over an internet argument but that comes as no surprise since he was dumb enough to go out of his way to start it in the first place. Nor did he take the opportunity I gave him to save face when I asked him where I knew him from (I’m pretty sure I know him from Brazil but apparently he was just randomly insulting people on the internet when he happened across me). Thus came his next angry rant:
“I never lived with a looser like you! Just look into yourself. These weird pictures.Scumbag!I bet you wouldn’t say such things if you were face to face with me, would you brave man? Who is gay round here? I can make you look just you want in your pics. Weirdo! But again, I say you are definitely not happy. I think you need to meet your creator.
Give yourself a Christmas gift and the rest of the world. People like you for me are like rats, filthy rats.”
Sigh, so many idiots and so little time. It never ceases to amaze me when fools like him with the illusion of being bad-asses let you know how you’d not dare speak that way to them in person, this from the tough-guy hardass who goes around insulting people…. online! LOL!
I didn’t get his message for a week or so, since I don’t really use that site much but when I saw the email indicating that the big badass had sent me more funnies I had to see what he came up with. As you already know, it was much of the same, and while it’s pretty funny to see someone decide to set apart some personal time to make a fool out of themselves it gets old fast. But hell, maybe I can goad him into getting even angrier and somehow even more stupid so I replied:
“>> I never lived with a looser like you! Just look into yourself.
“Look into yourself?” That would be quite a physical challenge, probably similar to the challenge you face when trying to construct a coherent insult.
>> These weird pictures.Scumbag!
Hey, don’t like ‘em, don’t look at ‘em. Do you always pitch a silly baby fit over drawings that scare you?
>> I bet you wouldn’t say such things if you were face to face with me, would you brave man?
Of course I would. Your insults are retarded and I would tell you as much in any setting.
>> Who is gay round here?
I don’t know. I can’t help you find a boyfriend.
>> I can make you look just you want in your pics.
Whatever you mean by that, what you CAN’T do is quite obvious: create an insult that makes any sense.
>> Weirdo! But again, I say you are definitely not happy.
I had no idea. I thought the raucous laughter at making fun of you indicated happiness.
>> I think you need to meet your creator.
I’ve met both of them.
>> Give yourself a Christmas gift and the rest of the world.
Ok, I will. I will consider my mocking of your attempts to insult me as a Christmas gift. Furthermore I will be publishing these very funny exchanges on the internet (you will be able to find them all posted shortly on http://blog.robertgentel.com) so that I can also share this gift with the rest of the world.
>> People like you for me are like rats, filthy rats.
People “like me for you” are sources of English instruction. “
Now unless he gets significantly more funny I will probably leave it at that. But if he persists I’ll keep sharing these jems with others here. Hey, I’d feel selfish to horde the retards all to myself.
Enjoy the retard, it’s Christmas and you all deserve it.
Tags: idiots, Paulo Kull
January 8th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
I logged into hi5 today and saw some more messages from Paulo from
December. He tossed in some dumb “need to get laid” insults, some penis insults and made very thinly veiled threats to my family saying that he knew where they lived. In short, he didn’t get any smarter.
One of his messages was apparently supposed to be scary, because he was gloating about how scared he made me. I’d intended to laugh at him a bit more because people who try to be bullies scare kids but we all grow out of it and they just seem pathetic, but people who try to physically intimidate you on the internet are just too hilarious a level of pathetic to do anything other than laugh at. So I was going to taunt him some more and ask him to flesh out his silly threats a bit more just so he can see for himself how empty they are but then I thought better of it and decided to wish him a happy new year and let the guy get the last word in and be done with this waste of time.
So I typed it out:
“Happy New year Paulo, and in the spirit of the season I’ll leave it at that. I hope this new year is happier than your last.”
And I sent it. But hi5.com told me he was blocking my messages and I noticed he’d sent me another one telling me how “Psichos like attention, too bad. I don’t have time to give to retard loners such as yourself, so I have to say goodbye.”
Ha, he’s not as dumb as he looks. Sure, he messages me out of the blue then claims I’m the one who wants attention and sure he tells me yet again how he’s going to make me regret ever replying to him but at least he knows enough to cut his losses He either realized it’s a waste of time, that he sounded retarded, that he wasn’t scaring anyone or a combination of it all.
Either way, works for me. And since I didn’t get my nice message in, here it is:
Paulo, have a happy new year. I mean it sincerely. I had fun goading you, but I don’t hold any hard feelings (whether or not you do) and hope you have a good New Year.